A few days ago Lauren, our
summer intern, lost her aunt unexpectedly and last night one of my closest friends
Richard lost his mom to a terminal brain tumor. Sadly Richard’s dad passed away just last November as well. Their grief weighs on me and I truly do
feel angst, pain and loss. However I don’t know exactly how they are feeling, I just
know for both it is a difficult time.
What
did I say to comfort them? I was
honest and told them I really didn’t know what to say.
I
told them I am really sorry this has happened to you and I am here for you (You
Are Not Alone). After that I
simply listened. What I didn’t say
was “I know how you feel”, “They are in a better place”, “My condolences”, or “We
all die at some point”. While all
those phrases may be said with the best intentions or because one doesn’t know
what else to say, they don’t always help.
My point is don’t let discomfort or fear prevent you from reaching out
to someone. You might not know exactly
what to say or what to do, but that’s okay. You don’t need to have answers or
give advice. The most important thing you can do is to simply be there and if
you like, share these four words: You Are Not Alone. Your support, caring, listening and being there will help
him or her better cope with the pain and hopefully begin to heal.
These two deaths also got me
thinking about my own fears around dying. Why does it scare me so much? Perhaps
it was growing up in a home where nothing serious was ever discussed, including
dying. I don’t recall going to funerals
when I was young, or my parents being open to talking
about it. The subject seemed off
limits. As I grew up, the discomfort never left and conversations around
the topic never took place.
Death also scares me because
admittedly I want to live a long and fruitful life. I don’t want to miss seeing my daughters grow up and living
out all their dreams. There is so
much more in life I hope to accomplish and experience. Such as fulfilling my dream of YANA and
the positive impact it can have on people’s lives, enjoying and expanding
current and future relationships, watching thousands of sunsets and holding my
partner’s hand and telling her I love her, goofing and laughing with friends
for at least fifty more years, bunging jumping in New Zealand and much much
more…I don’t want to miss out on life and I have a hard time imaging myself not
being here.
If you previously read why I
started YANA (http://bit.ly/12jrYVW), you know that for most of my life I have
felt very alone. One of the main
reasons I felt this way was that I never discussed feelings and emotions and
never allowed myself to be vulnerable.
Life is very lonely if you hold everything in and do not share it with
others, and that’s exactly how I was living. For me it felt like I was living life with all of these
secrets and I was incapable of sharing them with others. It became overwhelming and unbearable. Today, while far from perfect, I am
able to share feelings and allow myself to be vulnerable. All thanks to my close friends, a
talented therapist and a lot of hard work and tears. Discussing and sharing how you’re feeling does help
and it certainly makes me feel better.
I know that within this blog, I touched upon two topics that could be
greatly expanded upon and hopefully that will occur in conversations and
follow-up comments. For me, by simply
addressing these two themes I feel much less discomfort and the topics no
longer seem off-limits.
YANA,
Wayne
