What do you say to someone who has lost a loved one? And why does death scare me?

A few days ago Lauren, our summer intern, lost her aunt unexpectedly and last night one of my closest friends Richard lost his mom to a terminal brain tumor.  Sadly Richard’s dad passed away just last November as well.  Their grief weighs on me and I truly do feel angst, pain and loss.   However I don’t know exactly how they are feeling, I just know for both it is a difficult time.

What did I say to comfort them?  I was honest and told them I really didn’t know what to say. 

I told them I am really sorry this has happened to you and I am here for you (You Are Not Alone).  After that I simply listened.  What I didn’t say was “I know how you feel”, “They are in a better place”, “My condolences”, or “We all die at some point”.  While all those phrases may be said with the best intentions or because one doesn’t know what else to say, they don’t always help.  My point is don’t let discomfort or fear prevent you from reaching out to someone.  You might not know exactly what to say or what to do, but that’s okay. You don’t need to have answers or give advice. The most important thing you can do is to simply be there and if you like, share these four words: You Are Not Alone.  Your support, caring, listening and being there will help him or her better cope with the pain and hopefully begin to heal.

These two deaths also got me thinking about my own fears around dying. Why does it scare me so much? Perhaps it was growing up in a home where nothing serious was ever discussed, including dying.  I don’t recall going to funerals when I was young, or my parents being open to talking about it.  The subject seemed off limits.   As I grew up, the discomfort never left and conversations around the topic never took place. 

Death also scares me because admittedly I want to live a long and fruitful life.  I don’t want to miss seeing my daughters grow up and living out all their dreams.  There is so much more in life I hope to accomplish and experience.  Such as fulfilling my dream of YANA and the positive impact it can have on people’s lives, enjoying and expanding current and future relationships, watching thousands of sunsets and holding my partner’s hand and telling her I love her, goofing and laughing with friends for at least fifty more years, bunging jumping in New Zealand and much much more…I don’t want to miss out on life and I have a hard time imaging myself not being here. 

If you previously read why I started YANA (http://bit.ly/12jrYVW), you know that for most of my life I have felt very alone.  One of the main reasons I felt this way was that I never discussed feelings and emotions and never allowed myself to be vulnerable.  Life is very lonely if you hold everything in and do not share it with others, and that’s exactly how I was living.  For me it felt like I was living life with all of these secrets and I was incapable of sharing them with others.  It became overwhelming and unbearable.  Today, while far from perfect, I am able to share feelings and allow myself to be vulnerable.  All thanks to my close friends, a talented therapist and a lot of hard work and tears.   Discussing and sharing how you’re feeling does help and it certainly makes me feel better.  I know that within this blog, I touched upon two topics that could be greatly expanded upon and hopefully that will occur in conversations and follow-up comments.  For me, by simply addressing these two themes I feel much less discomfort and the topics no longer seem off-limits.

Thanks for reading and don’t forget to share these four words with another, “You Are Not Alone”.

YANA,

Wayne